Sunday, April 21, 2013

A turning of the page....

Life is full of chapters, new and old, good and bad, short and long.  Living is turning the pages in them, writing the destiny of the following chapters.

13 months ago to the day my life book was forced to change not only chapters but subjects, dreams, desires, routes.  13 months ago I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

When people see me with my cane or in my wheel-chair, they ask "What happened?", with sympathetic faces and/or concern, expecting a "simple" answer of a car accident, a fall, a mistake on the stairs.  

As I reply "I was diagnosed with MS", their faces go from concerned to confused.  Because usually you dont see many people diagnosed with MS in the state that I am.  They suffer yes but many get to continue on their same path.  I do not.

There have been two occurances in the past few days that have caused me to question "what the heck am I doing in life?"

 (My "uhhhh" face.  Yes I take pictures to document my emotions.  It's all part of the sparkled life.)

1. My first MS symtpom, the one that led me to the hospital 13 months ago was the loss of feeling/sensation in my feet/legs.  To this day I do not have sensation in my feet.  They are continiously swollen and ugly looking.  

Due to this, I had to give up my guilty but lovely pleasure of wearing wonderful heels.  And, since I had quite a closet of heels, I ended up selling all my beautiful shoes.  We've come to the end of that chapter...I've sold my last pair of heels.

 (My last pair of heels and my not so beautiful feet)

Its ironic because the last pair of heels Ive sold were actually the last pair I purchased before being diagnosed.  I never even got the opportunity to wear them.  They were very extravagent, felt with fur edges.  How could you not love them?

Now they are gone.  Some other woman, size 10, will break them in for me.  And I hope she wears them with pride.  I hope they bring her good luck and many good travels.

Turning page #1...goodbye beautiful high shoes.

2. After much guidance, thought and prayer, the decision has been made for me to go onto Government Disability.  

Of course I procrastinated as long as I could on first, sharing this information (my pride) and two, applying because I didnt want to accept it. 

But over the weekend I completed my application.  My application to the Government that I, the girl who had dreams higher than the heavens, need's their help.  

It would only make the story oh so more interesting if I came across both my Bachelor of Arts and Masters in Business Administration Degrees the same weekend.  

 (I'm not sure how I lost my middle name in the between period of the degrees....)

My Bachelor of Arts years werent as dedicated however I did complete my program in three years while simultaneously working my political career (as mentioned earlier here).  

My Masters however I was more dedicated.  I finished the program also earlier than a full time student would (I like being quick and efficient in school items :D).  I worked full time as an Admissions Counselor during the day then spent my nights in the building next door learning the powers of Business.  I fell in love.  

I had the pleasure of being voted "Top Leader in the class" and "Best to work for", two items I take highly considering those who voted.  

The funny thing about all this is I never walked across a stage for either of these degrees, both due to graduating early.  And now, I cant even walk across a stage without assistance.  

I will frame these degrees, to remind myself that though I may be on disability and I may be limited by Multiple Sclerosis, I've accomplished so much.  To remind myself that at my core, I'm that same girl, disability or not.  

Turning page #2...defined by disability status.

These are two significant turning pages, two significant chapter turns.  It's hard to let go of things in life, it's even harder to deal with the things you've lost when you had no control over losing it.  

And as I approach new chapters of my life and my Multiple Sclerosis sparkle story, especially the upcoming ones, I hope the strength I felt while wearing my oh so extravagant heels and while establishing a strong educational business profile continues.  

I pray I can find strength in what I have lost in the hope of investing it in the things I can still achieve in my future. 

I've said it before but I'll preach it again...take nothing for granted.  From your shoes to your education, everything in life is a gift.  And should be treated as such.  Yes, there will be days in which "everything" doesnt feel like a gift but rather a very heavy burden.  But then, the ability to even carry that burden is a gift.  

Always a silver lining.  Never stop looking for it.

Love, Eliz

(PS: Today I wore a blazer.  This might not seem like a big deal but I had sworn of blazers one by one after being diagnosed, reminding me too much of my past Business Professional Career.  But today I wore one.  Proudly.)

("Mom, why do you have to show everyone my bad hair day?" Sputnik. Love him)

PS: Mom is healing and doing better each day!  Thankful for everyone's positivism towards her healing.