Tuesday, March 24, 2015

I Hope You Dance

Life is very similar to driving a car on a highway.  You have those days where you're breezing along, windows down, radio up, just loving life.  

And then for some of us, a pot-hole comes along.  And try as you may, you hit it.  Sometimes the damage isn't too bad, you can keep going.  Sometimes, it rips the tire and you just need a spare.  And sometimes it knocks off the whole alignment of the car and you end up stuck on the side of the road, waiting.  

My story is the stuck version - one day I was doing all the things a normal 26 year old does and the next I was uprooting my life and moving back in with my parents.  With a walker.  My career stopped, my relationship stopped, some friendships stopped, my dreams stopped, my growing closet stopped.  My life was put at the side of the road.  Thanks to a pot-hole.

And now I find myself a step further behind - in a wheelchair.  Some days not leaving bed.  Some days in the hospital.  For two months I didn't leave the house except for medical visits.  It's like now I'm not only stopped on the side of the road but it's snowing and cold and scary and dark and AAA isn't answering.  

Meanwhile, everyone else's life is moving on.  People are getting married, moving the career ladder, having parties, traveling the world, making babies.  And I'm here like "wow I showered today!". 

The hardest reality of this is coming to terms that in order for others to keep living, it sometimes means without me.   

You see me on the side of the road, broken down.  But yet you have life ahead and a time crunch pressing your engine.  Sometimes you just can't stop.  

I want to be mad at you; I want to be furious that you saw me at the side of the road and kept on driving.  I want to be mad that your car works, that you somehow missed that pot-hole.  I want to be in your warm car, dancing to the radio, going to wherever your next stop is.  

And yet, I'm stuck on the side of the road of life.  

I selfishly fear that I'll become forgotten.  I'll cross through your mind occasionally and you'll think of our good times, just as you pass me by on the road.  You'll go on with life.  Just without me.  

I feel like this is the part of the post where I insert the song "I hope you dance".  Because I truly do - I hope you dance, you live, you smile, you experience, you have fun.  I'm glad you missed that pot-hole, I'm glad your car is still working.  I hope it continues for many more stops.  And if you do hit a bump, I hope it only requires a spare tire and you can keep on going.  

I want you to keep living.

I just wish I could keep up and be there to do it with you.